Tonight while I was brushing my teeth I had a flashback which really upset me. I saw my boyfriend Chris brushing his mom’s teeth when she could barely move. She could barely spit. In that moment I felt completely helpless. Chris was and is so full of love. What a wonderful man he is because of his mom. Even in his mom’s state, he tried to help give her some sort of normalcy by brushing her teeth. It both warmed my heart and was painful to watch. As I sat back and watched him brush her teeth it brought pain to my heart and water to my eyes. This woman had always been the glue of the family, the hardest working woman, the strongest, and the most faithful person. In this moment as I stared at her, I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t believe that in just a few days I would never be able to look, touch, or hear her again. I can’t describe what that felt like.
The emotions that one feels when someone they love is dying is so unbelievable. There are not enough words to explain. Those last few weeks that I got to spend with her while she was on hospice was both a blessing and a curse. The moments we got to spend with her I will never forget. But I also can’t seem to get the vivid images of her sickness out of my head either. All the times we had to break up her pills to mix with water in order to help give her her medicine, the sound of the oxygen tank going, the sounds she made, and all the noises she made are all stuck in my head. Some of the images and noises I am not even ready to fully address because they disturbed me so much. What confuses me is how I can feel so much pain and sadness at times, but other times I feel like I am in complete and utter shock still. I have times when I just stare into space thinking this can’t be real, this can’t be our lives. But it is real, and this is our realty..
I’m writing this because I know I am not the only one who has gone through something like this. I know there are people out there that have gone through similar situations with their loved ones, and have learned to survive after their death. If you are one of those people, please share your story with me. I need to hear your story and how you have learned to cope…There is much more to our story, but I just had to get this out tonight. I couldn’t close my eyes with these images, feelings, and thoughts in my head. Writing has become a way for me to express myself when my mouth can’t get out what I need to say.
Thank you for listening.